You’re worried that you may have made a mistake by getting involved with a man who already had children, an ex girlfriend or an ex wife. You worry that you underestimated how difficult this would be to take on the challenge of an ex wife, ex partner, and raising children who are not your own. You might wonder if these thoughts and your feelings of confusion, anger, jealousy and resentment make you a bad person. Your feelings and actions don’t align with who you thought you were. Most people describe you as kind or good, fair and friendly. Living the life of a stepmom might cause you not recognize yourself at times.
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A STEPMOM
Your partner let you know that the schedule has been changed… again. Instead of coming on Wednesday and leaving by the weekend. Your stepchildren will be coming over on the weekend. This is the same weekend of your birthday and you and your guy planned on going out just the two of you to celebrate. You may enjoy their company but it feels like plans always seem to change when it comes to being with a partner who has children.
You try to be agreeable, low maintenance and drama free. But you can feel a pit forming in your stomach; you’re angry at the fact that you have to change your plans so frequently. You think to yourself “Why can’t his Ex just stick to the visitation schedule? Is she spying on us to see when we make plans?”
You’re tired of being put on the back burner. You’re tired of arguing. You’re tired of being expected to be “the bigger person.” You’re tired of asking the kids to clean up after themselves and to help out more. All you want is a little help, gratitude and time with the person you fell in love with. But it seems like when you ask your partner for help, or try to tell him what it’s like for you it ends in an argument.
He just isn’t ready to hear how difficult it is to be a stepmother. You notice yourself feeling annoyed and irritated when the kids visit. You feel angry when his Ex calls or texts with questions about the children. You know they need to stay in contact but it bothers you that she seems to have more control in your home than you do.
If you’re a stepmom, you may find yourself avoiding your home by working longer hours, hanging out with friends more or hiding in your bedroom.
YOUR INTERNAL STRUGGLE
The way you’re feeling as a stepmom might make you feel like a monster or an Evil stepmom, but you’re not. The way you’re feeling and your experience is common for stepmoms. Most stepmoms feel overwhelmed, unappreciated, and misunderstood by their partners, their stepchildren and the ex. They also feel misunderstood by friends, family and society as a whole.
The average person doesn’t understand the day to day struggles and challenges that step women take on. It’s difficult to find the support you crave from your going to your partner. It’s also difficult to find support within traditional Mommy culture. You may have already tried to reach out to a mom in your circle only to be met with judgments like “how could you feel that way?” And “You knew what you were getting yourself into.”
It’s difficult for some biological moms to relate to how a woman feels who is a non-biological caregiver. Society expects women who are stepmoms to take on the exact same role as a biological mother. The difference is a biological mother has time to build a bond with her child. She has time to get used to being a mom. Even if a biological mom’s pregnancy was unplanned; She still has nine months with her child developing in her womb.
WHY IT’S DIFFERENT FOR BIOLOGICAL MOMS
A biological mom has the advantage of seeing ultrasound pictures, feeling the baby’s tiny feet kick, grow and move inside of her. A biological mom also has a birth story attached to her child regarding the day they were born. Most biological mother’s have an automatic attachment and bond with their children. They fall deeper and deeper in love with their child by watching their belly’s grow, holding them, engaging in skin to skin contact, feeding them, bathing them, changing their diapers, toilet training, and teaching them all the things that moms teach their babies.
Alternatively as a stepmom you have come into your stepchild’s life after their parents have broken up, divorced or experienced the death of one of their parents.
It takes time to build a bond with a child who is not biologically your own. So if you’re struggling to find your way as a stepmom, it doesn’t mean you have a lot in common with Cinderella’s stepmom it just means you’re human.
HOW CAN I BE OF SERVICE TO YOU?
My approach is solution-focused. It’s effective because I provide strategies, tools and resources that are tailored to your specific and unique challenges as a stepmom/step girlfriend I utilize a step by step method for helping you understand the dynamic you are a part of, provide you with practical solutions and help you become more empowered within your relationship and within your stepfamily. To speak with greater confidence and ease to your partner and your new family. You’re not alone
Schedule your free 30 minute phone consultation today by clicking the button below.